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1776

We went to 1776 at the Ahmanson last night. I was dreading it. After that awful version of Oklahoma I was sure this was going to be some anti-American butchering of what was once a wonderful musical (“It’s all white men! It’s evil! It must destroyed!”). I was at the point where I wanted to cancel our Ahmanson subscription. They can do any horrible thing they want to; I just won’t pay for it. Gordon talked me into giving them one more chance even though they’d move us back a row (I suspect because we gave them an honest opinion about Oklahoma; bad, bad, bad).

Well, the cast was all women but they didn’t trash the country. They didn’t change the dialogue or any of the music, they made the point that even though history just names the white men, all sorts of people were involved in our Revolution. The cast included a transexual, lots of black women, and a Native American woman (she had a great voice too). They added one line that I appreciated said by Abigail Adams, “Don’t forget the women, John.” And something to the effect that men would be tyrants if allowed. I thought they’d go nuts over the slavery issue which is a big part of the play but the woman who played Ben Franklin (black woman, by the way) pointed out that if the slavery clause wasn’t removed, the South would leave. And it was more important to start a new country even if the start wasn’t perfect. History proved that the slavery issue was finally resolved 90 years later–at tremendous cost to the country.

What I’ve always appreciated about this show is the pragmatism. We had to start somewhere and it proves the old saying, “The perfect is the enemy of the good.” This country has never been perfect. But the miracle of the United States is that we keep trying. Nothing is etched in stone. It took a while but the slaves were freed. 160 years later women were allowed to vote. We’ll probably never be perfect but we bumble along, doing our best. That’s why I get so disgusted with so much of the rhetoric these days. My God, in very few places in the world is change even possible. The USA is one of them and we lead the way in many issues. This version of 1776 respected that position. And I appreciate that.

The sets were fragmented, of course; you have to be nimble with a traveling show. The voices were incredible. Tiesha Thomas who played Abigail Adams, and Connor Lyon, who played Martha Jefferson, really stood out for me. But the showstopper was “Molasses to Rum” sung by Kassandra Haddock. It’s a compelling, terrible song which points out the sins on both sides. Haddock was compelling yet wonderful in her interpretation and she was backed by interesting choreography. Also liked Joanna Glushak who played Rutlidge. Oh, they were all wonderful. One problem I had was the lack of characterization. The movement was stylized so all the actors were constrained within those limits. The woman who played Ben Franklin broke loose every now and again but it’s hard not to play that part broadly. Took some of the fun out of the show.

This was an interesting take on a beloved musical. I noticed a lot of empty seats after intermission. Have no idea why. But I didn’t walk out. And considering how I felt going in, that says a lot. I read in the paper that a new director of the Music Center has been appointed. His says his main goal is to get butts in the seats (paraphrasing). The theaters are going broke. Even the LA Times commented on the figurative tumbleweeds blowing in the plaza. If they didn’t paper the theaters there’d be no audience at all. They might consider commissioning plays that people will actually pay to see. Quit proselytizing and try entertaining for a change.

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First Year, Chapter 2

Haven’t posted in a while so here’s chapter two of First Year. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter two

Saturday, I got dressed up in a casual gray jacket, black slacks and running shoes, and parked in the Music Center garage. I checked my make-up in the rearview mirror, smoothed my hair, admired the effect, and walked up to the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. Rob Anderson was standing on the steps outside the doors, scanning the crowd. I didn’t remember him being so tall. He looked big and a little forbidding compared to the people around him. I also didn’t remember him being that good-looking, I mused as I trudged up the steps. He was positively dapper in a suit and tie, and I was positively underdressed compared to him, I noted uncomfortably as I waved to get his attention. His eyes lit up and he ran down to meet me.

“Have you been waiting long?” I asked.

“No, I just got here myself.”

We stood, smiling and nodding at each other, a little stupidly. The difference in our heights was even more daunting when we were on the same level. Maybe it was because I was wearing flats, but I had to lean back to look up at him.

“Six foot three. Why?” he said when I asked.

“No reason,” I replied and mentally vowed to wear heels from now on—or start learning the lyrics to Follow the Yellow Brick Road. “Well, should we go in?”

“Oh! Sure.” He pulled two tickets from his jacket pocket. “I don’t know how good these seats are. I got them last Wednesday.”

The usher directed us to the fourth floor, second balcony. Our seats had absolutely no legroom. It was like flying coach—the only thing missing was peanuts. And we were so high up the pigeons were worried about us. We could see the orchestra, but it was basically a black blob in the distance. These were not great seats.

I tried to cross my legs but quit when I kicked the woman sitting in front of me. I finally splayed my feet out so I could keep my knees together without getting a cramp. Rob was even worse off because he was roughly twice my size. He hunched his big shoulders around his knees and smiled at me weakly.

“Do you come to the symphony often?” I asked. I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic; it just came out that way.

Rob smiled ruefully—he had a whole repertoire of smiles to take the place of words—and said, “Not on Saturday. Look, this is terrible. If you’d like to leave…”

“Oh no, we’re here now. I might as well see what it’s all about.”

The orchestra started out with a weird little ditty by somebody I’d never heard of. It was all clanks and tinkles; there was no recognizable melody, and you couldn’t dance to it. The audience was so full of coughers it sounded like a TB ward. I huddled in my seat wishing I’d never come.

Then they played Beethoven’s Emperor Concerto. It started off slow and soft and then turned into a party. No music I’d ever heard made me feel like that, almost exultant. At the end I had a silly grin plastered on my face. I turned to Rob who’d been watching my reaction. “How come I’ve never heard that before? It’s wonderful!” I exclaimed.

Rob said, “I’m glad you like it. I grew up with Beethoven. My mother played it every night before we went to sleep.”

We smiled at each other delightedly. Conversation be damned, contact had been made. We didn’t even fight over the armrest during the second half of the program. Rob gallantly volunteered to hold my hand—-if I had no objection, of course. I didn’t. My arm fit snugly inside his. He wasn’t huge anymore, just big enough to fit comfortably around me.

After the concert he offered to buy me a drink. “It’ll have to be downstairs,” he said apologetically. “I took the bus because it’s such an expensive hassle to park here.”

“I’ve got my car if you’d rather go somewhere else,” I offered.

“Tell you what,” he said, “how about if we go to my place and pick up my car. I can lose this tie and get into something more comfortable. Then I’ll take you to a piano bar in Old Pasadena. How’s that sound?”

I’d spend my formative years in the Valley, so Pasadena sounded like an adventure to me.

“But we take my car, okay?” I stipulated. I wasn’t about to get trapped with someone I didn’t know very well without wheels. The fact that he was big enough to knock me on the head and take the car and me didn’t filter through my little brain.

I followed his directions and in ten minutes we were at his Echo Park apartment. I’d never been in this neighborhood either. Funny how you can spend your whole life in a city and not know much about it.

I hesitated when he invited me in while he put on a sweater, but curiosity won out over caution. You can tell a lot about a person by how they live. He seemed to sense my distance and the reason for it because he was careful not to crowd me. Which was hard in his tiny studio.

I stood in the doorway briefly taking stock. Rob Anderson was either in training to be a Spartan or a monk. The whole apartment consisted of three rooms: a tiny bathroom, a tiny kitchen, and a tiny living area. In the living area were a desk and chair, a couch (a hide-a-bed, I assumed), a tiny color TV, and a monster stereo system perched on a brick and board arrangement. He had one floor lamp by the couch and a table lamp on the desk. Two ties hung off the doorknob of what turned out to be a closet. Everything was so small I felt like Gulliver. I can’t imagine how someone his size tolerated it.

I sat on the couch and looked around some more as he rummaged in the bathroom. He had a CD collection of half classical music, half rock & roll. A large pile of magazines was right next to me on the floor, so I ruffled through them: Time, Stereo Review, National Geographic, Playboy (on the bottom), and Car & Driver.

There was a portrait on the desk that showed an unsmiling couple in their sixties. All they needed was a pitchfork to be a reasonable facsimile of Grant Wood’s American Gothic.

Rob came out of the bathroom and grabbed the jacket hanging on the desk chair. I gestured to the picture. “Those your parents?”

He grinned. “Yeah. We can’t get them to smile in front of a camera. It makes for a depressing picture.”

“It does look like a mug shot,” I agreed then gulped. He just laughed, thank goodness.

I surveyed his cell again trying to think of something charming to say. “You’re so neat,” I commented gamely.

Rob laughed again. I seemed to delight him. “It’s not much, is it,” he said, “but it’s cheap. Let’s go. You know how to get to Old Pas from here?”

I didn’t, of course, and since he’d earned a measure of trust by not immediately jumping my bones, I offered to let him drive my Miata. “But only if you know how to drive a stick,” I warned.

His face lit up at my suggestion. “Stevie, just give me the keys,” he said confidently.

It was a wild ride up the Arroyo Parkway. I don’t mean to imply that he took unnecessary chances, but he put the car through its paces. He wound it out in every gear and took joy doing it. Compared to him, I drove like a little old lady. I sat in the passenger seat, white-knuckled, through the curves. I guess he noticed I was a little pale around the gills. “Don’t worry,” he shouted over the whine of the engine, “I’ll get us there in one piece.”

He whipped into a minuscule parking space, led me to the bar, and ordered me a gin-tonic. The exhilaration of the drive had worn off his shyness and I didn’t have to work hard at all to pry information out of him. I found out that he did in fact work for the City of Los Angeles as an engineer and specialized in hydraulics. He told me that he was 27 years old, had grown up in South Dakota, and had been in the Marine Corps.

“The Marines?” I interrupted, unsettled. Weren’t they supposed to be the gung-ho psychotics of the armed forces? “Why’d you join the Marines? Did you want to like…kill people or something?” I asked with an uncertain smile.

He returned my smile, amused. “I spent most of my time as a clerk,” he explained. “I needed money for college. And the discipline didn’t hurt either.” He continued with his recitation. He had gotten his bachelor’s degree at South Dakota State University and was working on a special water project for the City of Los Angeles. He was a registered Republican (“A Republican!?” “I know; it’s not politically correct.”) and had never been married. His parents and three married older brothers still lived in South Dakota. He was a real solid citizen; not the type that I’m normally attracted to—probably because I’d never met one before.

He sipped his beer. “I don’t usually talk that much. Your turn. Tell me about you.”

Usually I didn’t listen that much, and I wasn’t sure where to start after all that.

“Well, I’m a Democrat,” I began.

He blew that off. “I figured. Are you originally from California?”

“Yup. Angeleno born and bred,” I said.

“You must like it here.”

“I guess so. I’ve never really spent time anywhere else, so I haven’t got anything to compare it to. Well, I lived in Texas because I have relatives there, but I was only there about a month because I couldn’t stand…” I broke off because I didn’t like getting this personal about myself. “Never mind, it’s not important. What else do you want to talk about?”

He seemed faintly surprised at my abruptness, but he obligingly switched topics. “So, tell me what you do.”

I told him about my MFA in theater, my part-time teaching job at a community college, and the trials and tribulations of a struggling actress. He looked impressed.

“I thought you looked familiar. I bet I’ve seen you on TV,” he said with a pleased smile.

“Probably. I’ve done some commercials.”

“Have you done any movies?”

“Small parts in lousy films.” I shrugged. “I call them lousy because I ended up on the cutting room floor.”

“It sounds exciting. You must like it.”

I swirled my drink around. “I thought I would. You know, when you’re in college you do great theater, plays by Tennessee Williams or Eugene O’Neill. You get to be a person. But that’s college. The movie parts I get sent out for are either prostitutes or mommies. They’re all one-dimensional characters, mostly all victims, and they’re all supposed to get naked. It’s pretty boring. And I won’t strip so I don’t get cast a lot.” I sipped my gin-tonic.

“Why don’t you do theater?” he asked.

I smiled wryly. “No money. And I have the same problem with professional theater. The stuff that’s being produced these days, at least in Los Angeles, has to be cutting edge, which means nudity. Apparently, it’s in the writer’s handbook that if you have a woman in a play, she has to spend a certain amount of time prancing around in the buff. And let me tell you, those stages are cold and drafty. You could get pneumonia up there. But to be fair, the current theater scene has become an equal opportunity exploiter. Everybody has to take off their clothes, not just the women. I almost feel sorry for the men with their whozits hanging out. One of those cold drafts hits them and their genitals shrivel up like a chicken neck and two acorns. Not very impressive.” I surprised a yelp of laughter out of Rob, and I grinned impishly. “I hope you’re not shocked.”

“Maybe a little bit. But it’s funny.”

“Well, I always say if you can’t laugh about things, you’ll probably end up jumping off a building. But really, I hope I didn’t offend you. Sometimes my mouth takes off before my brain engages,” I apologized with a droll look.

We smiled companionably at each other until Rob found another subject that interested him.

“That’s a great little car,” he started. “But it seems sluggish. When’s the last time you had it tuned up?”

“Tuned up?” I asked blankly.

“Yeah, tuned up.” He looked at me narrowly. “You know what a tune-up is, don’t you?”

I find that sort of question condescending and chauvinistic and I was going to reply tartly that, of course, I knew what a tune-up was—except I really didn’t. I’d heard about them on TV, of course, but I had no idea what was involved. This was the first car I’d ever owned, it had taken me forever to learn how to drive it, and I hadn’t gotten around to reading the maintenance section of the owner’s manual. I knew all the catch phrases so I could talk a good show but that was about it.

I was still trying to think up a good response to the tune-up question when he interrupted with, “When’s the last time you had the oil changed?”

From the expression on my face, it was obvious that I didn’t have a good answer for that little chestnut either.

“It still runs,” I muttered defensively.

“How long have you had the car?” he asked incredulously.

“About a year. I don’t know what you’re getting so excited about. I wash it every other week.”

I got a brief lecture about car maintenance. Not taking proper care of your car, in his opinion, was analogous to not taking care of your body and could have the same disastrous results.

“Okay, okay,” I capitulated, “I’ll take it to a mechanic when I have time.”

“Tell you what,” he said patiently, “I’ll come over some weekend and do it for you. As it is, I’ll worry about you being stranded on the freeway.” And he shook his head.

Part of me was irritated at his assumption of command because he clearly thought I was incompetent. Another part of me was starting to hum “Someone to Watch Over Me”.

“Whatever,” I said and checked my watch. “Wow, it’s getting late, and I’ve got a long way to drive. We’d better go.”

He drove back to his place slowly like he wasn’t in a hurry to say goodnight. I was getting set for the wrestling match I was pretty sure was ahead of me when I tried to get my keys back. When Rob parked in front of his apartment, I briskly jumped out of the passenger seat and ran around the car. I stood with my arms crossed loosely in front of my chest and was smiling coolly, ready to fend off any unwanted clinches as he unfolded from the seat.

“It was fun tonight,” I said pleasantly as I held one hand out expectantly for my keys.

“Yeah, it was,” Rob agreed and handed the keys over without a quibble. “I’ll call you about the tune-up,” he said and held the car door open for me.

This man was a revelation. There was no chance of him getting in my drawers, I was borderline rude, and he was still a gentleman. Maybe decency wasn’t dead in the world after all.

“I’d like that,” I said. What that my voice? I hadn’t sounded so sweet and dewy since I was sixteen.

“Good.” We shared an awkward pause. “Well, goodnight then.”

I got in my car, he closed the door firmly, and I drove off. In my rear-view mirror I saw him standing there, watching me, and I grinned goofily. Warm fuzzies were cuddling in my stomach, which is distinctly uncharacteristic. Cynicism, anger, contempt; these were all familiar emotions for me after dates, but warm fuzzies? The Iron Woman in me felt a patch of rust coming on.

All the next day I waited by the phone expecting to hear from Rob. Nothing. Monday, still nothing. Tuesday, I got distracted by a callback on a beer commercial, which I took as a great compliment. Beer ads specialize in pretty women, and I was flattered to be considered in that light. My feminist side scolded me for allowing myself to be used as a sex object; I should insist on being appreciated for my mind. But let’s face it, honey, I told my feminist self, ain’t nobody paying cold hard cash to admire my mind. I find a mild case of schizophrenia common in most women my age.

Wednesday, I was notified that I had the beer job which shot on Monday and Tuesday of the next week. I still hadn’t heard from Rob but by then, I’d given up on him. I scolded myself for allowing myself to get so goofy. I’d been alone for so long I was probably imagining virtues in Rob Anderson that he didn’t possess. If he didn’t call again, I’d survive; he was just another man who hadn’t followed through. Life could be worse. I had my classes to teach and my laundry to do. My agent wasn’t being snotty with me, I still had Leslie to play with, and Pudgy helped keep me warm at night. I went to the library and checked out some bodice-rippers.

Sunday the son-of-a-bitch called. I was pleasant but cool after he identified himself. Rob could tell that all wasn’t as it should be.

“Am I interrupting something?” he asked.

“Not really,” I said loftily.

“Maybe I should call back later.”

“Depends on what you called about,” I replied, undercurrents rippling through my voice.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked cautiously.

“Me? Mad at you? Why on earth would I be mad at you?” I said with my best Noel Coward airy laugh.

“Perhaps I called too soon. I wasn’t sure when a good time would be. I know you’re busy and I didn’t want to bother you.”

What we had here was failure to communicate. I’d been pissed off because he hadn’t called soon enough, and he was just trying to be polite. I thawed considerably.

“I’m sorry, I guess I expected…” How was I supposed to finish that? That I expected him to be on my doorstop with concert tickets last Sunday (that he didn’t have my address was beside the point); that I expected my condo carpeted with roses; that I expected him to battle a dragon for me on a white horse; that I expected a damn phone call much, much sooner?

“…nothing,” I finished lamely.

“I was hoping you were free sometime this week,” he continued.

“This week?” I dithered. “Well, I’m shooting a commercial tomorrow and Tuesday…”

“Really!? What for?”

I told him the brand of beer, that I actually got a few lines and that if it played nationally, I could earn megabucks. He crowed and congratulated and made much of me. And if that doesn’t cause your kidneys to flow into your pantyhose, nothing will.

“Let me take you to dinner Tuesday to celebrate,” he suggested, and I graciously accepted. We made arrangements for him to pick me up at home—yes, I gave him my address and directions on how to get there—and we regretfully parted to pursue other aspects of our respective lives.

I immediately called Leslie. She listened to my excited babbling calmly. “I don’t want to pop any bubbles,” she said, “but I don’t understand all this excitement. You told me yesterday that you’d probably never see him again and now he calls and you’re all nuts. What’s with you anyway? You hardly know the guy.”

That stopped me. What was with me anyway? In the cold light of Leslie’s rationality my reaction was inappropriate. I didn’t know what to say.

“Shut up!” I mumbled and went to bed. I’d worry about my lunacy later. I had a long day ahead of me.

The shoot went smoothly. I was in a buoyant mood and didn’t even object to my costume of T-shirt and short shorts. The only bad moment came when the director asked the costumer if they couldn’t get a padded push-up bra, so I looked like I had ‘something’. I had ‘something’ all right, I mentally snarled, they just weren’t of zeppelin proportions. But I rose above it. I didn’t even get mad when the costume lady asked me if I’d ever considered installing implants. Installing—what a word for it. It sounded like she was talking about putting two washing machines on my chest instead of silicone sacks. I politely told her ‘no’ and she tsked tragically like I’d rejected chemotherapy. You gotta love the business.

I paid particular attention to the actors on the set. If my response to Rob Anderson was the result of mere neediness, I’d probably go bonkers over them, too. They were handsome young men, not particularly bright, but very charming. We had some laughs, but nothing went twang. Curioser and curioser.

Tuesday night I got home in time to switch from heavy camera war paint to street make-up, change clothes, and feed Pudgy. Rob rang my bell punctually which was good; it’d been a long day and I was hungry. Rob looked impressed when I let him in—not with me, with the condo. My townhouse was a two-story, three-bedroom, two-bath place. It had a fireplace, formal dining room, and a breakfast nook in the kitchen. It was light and airy and even had a small yard.

He looked around in appreciation. “How can you afford the rent on a place like this?”

“I own it,” I said.

He looked surprised. “You must be more successful at acting than you let on.”

“Maybe I’ll explain over dinner. Let’s go, I’m hungry.”

He led me out to his car—an eight-year-old Buick sedan. My gallant knight was going to whisk me away in the chivalrous equivalent of an oxcart. Now, most twenty-something men I knew didn’t drive family cars. I don’t consider myself a snob—all right, I’m a snob—but a Buick sedan went right on the debit side with Republican membership. I was disgusted with myself for wasting a week being in such a stew over this man.

I am not a well woman.

Then he opened the passenger door for me, got me settled, and shut my door before going around to the driver’s side. My opinion of him did another whipsaw. Not only do most twenty-something men not open the car door for you, you’re lucky if most parts of you are in the car before they take off.

“I thought we’d go to the Charthouse unless you’d rather do something else,” he said.

“Fine with me,” I agreed, and we putted off in the Buick.

“You’ve kept your car in good shape,” I commented, attempting to be charitable.

He glanced over at me and smiled teasingly. “It runs. I bought it from my dad two years ago when he got a new one.”

He bought his father’s old car. What was I to make of this new information? This could mean a) he was poor, b) he was cheap, c) he had weird taste in cars, or d) none or all of the above.

“Oh?” I said encouragingly, hoping he’d tell me more.

He stopped at a red light and turned to look at me. The amused look in his eyes told me he knew perfectly well what I was getting at. “I’m saving my money to go back to school,” he explained.

I hate getting caught in my finagling. “You must think I’m awfully nosy,” I apologized.

“I’m flattered that you’re curious about me, Stevie.”

We exchanged a smile. I decided to sit back and let him unfold in his own sweet time. He seemed to have broken the sound barrier, so it wasn’t up to me to poke and prod and pry. Besides, I was tired.

Shooting a commercial doesn’t look difficult but keeping your energy level controlled and up, take after take after take, takes a lot out of you. It felt good to sit back and sip a glass of cabernet. Rob was attentive but not intrusive, capable but not overbearing. I was relieved that my initial positive impression of him had been correct.

He asked me about the shoot, and I rambled on about that until our table was ready. He asked me questions about my teaching, my MFA—just general stuff. He was a great listener which is terrific because, even tired, I’m a great yakker. He laughed at my silly stories, admired my initiative, and seemed interested in me generally. Which was a real departure for me. Most of the men I’ve dated want me to flatter and listen to them. It was fun being on the other side and definitely good for my ego. We were having coffee when, looking a little uncomfortable but determined, he said, “I know it’s none of my business, but this has been on my mind since I saw where you lived. How do you come to own such a nice place? And your car isn’t cheap. Teachers don’t make that kind of money, especially part-time ones, and you said that you didn’t earn all that much acting. So, tell me; how can you afford it all?”

“Why? You want to ‘borrow’ money?” I asked with a side-long look at him. “Most of the men I meet at least wait until the third date to try to get cash out of me.”

He seemed shocked. “I would never ask a woman for money!” he declared.

That’s what they all say. I sipped my coffee and stared at him. “Just wondering why you want to know.”

He met my eyes levelly. “I was curious. Now I’m sorry for asking. Would you like an after-dinner drink?”

Okay, the man wasn’t after my fictional millions. He just suffered from perfectly normal curiosity. If I could pry, I guess he could too.

“You know what? Since you’re driving, I would like another glass of wine. And to pay for it, I’ll tell you the whole silly story,” I offered.

I flagged down the waitress and ordered. He had more coffee. We waited until she brought the wine and I started.

“Well, my mother was a Latina from Texas, I look like her…”

“She must have been a beautiful woman,” Rob murmured.

“She was,” I agreed, smiling. “And my father, I think but I’m not sure, was an illegal immigrant from Northern Ireland. Anyway, my mother’s family were good traditional, Catholic control freaks who had Mom’s life all planned out for her. They disowned Mom when she married some poverty-stricken nobody like my dad and left home for California. Which doesn’t seem to have bothered her much. She always went her own way. I guess Dad must’ve gotten legal when he married Mom because I don’t remember any trouble with the INS. But I never had any contact with any extended family either. Anyway, Mom and Dad had a bar and grill out in the Valley. Dad ran the bar—figures, doesn’t it? Irish and all that? —and Mom was in charge of the restaurant. They owned that property, and we had a nice little house. I was an only child and, boy, did I make out. I remember Christmases, Mom and Dad would…”

I found I was having a hard time talking.

“Throat’s dry,” I said gruffly to Rob and turned my head away. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to grab me and moan over me. I mentally blessed him for his restraint.

“Listen, we can talk about this some other time,” he said quietly after a moment.

I sipped some wine and said, “That’s all right. I’m told it’s good to discuss this sort of thing. Of course, the people who say it usually feed off other people’s misery, but I suppose it’s possible they’re right.”

He nodded so I plunged on.

“See, my parents were killed in a car accident when I’d just turned sixteen. Drunk driver. It’s sort of ironic. They were on their way home from closing their bar. I got the call at four o’clock in the morning.” I had another sip of wine. “Well, to make a long story short, they both left good-sized life insurance policies, the business, and the house. I sold the real estate, bought the townhouse, and invested the rest. I paid for the Miata out of my own earnings. I’m not rich but I’m doing all right.”

I smiled cheerfully, trying to lighten the atmosphere, but he still looked puzzled.

“But you were only sixteen, didn’t you have a guardian?” he asked.

“That’s another ugly story. The authorities contacted my mother’s family in Texas. They weren’t interested until they found out how much money was involved; then they took me in. See, the idea was to turn me into a good tortilla-making incubator while I “contributed” toward my upkeep with the cash. I lasted one month with them then ran back to California and petitioned the court for adult status. The court allowed me my freedom as long as I agreed to their choice of school and assigned an attorney to be trustee of the estate. For a fee, of course. But I figured better the attorney than the familial sharks. The attorney turned out to be pretty honest and only took what was legal. When I turned twenty-one, the bulk of the estate reverted to me and you see me as I am now, educated, in possession of a condo and a car, and struggling the rest of the time to make ends meet. I learned long ago not to touch the principal. So, anything else you want to know?”

He pushed his coffee cup around. “What do you do at Christmas?”

“Have dinner with whatever friends don’t have family obligations. Or Jewish friends. Christmas doesn’t mean much to them. I’ve even just gone to a movie and had dinner with my cat. Have you met Pudgy yet? She’s a great cat. We’re each other’s family.”

He pushed his coffee cup around some more. “You’ve really had it tough,” he said finally.

“Just for a couple of years. Don’t waste pity on me. There’re a lot of people who’ve had it a whole lot worse.”

“What do you do when you get sick or in some sort of trouble? You don’t have anybody to fall back on.”

“Sure, I do. That’s why God made friends…and money. You’d be surprised how independent that makes you.”

He obviously didn’t believe me. “No downside at all?”

Sympathy was nice but this was getting a little ridiculous. This was a date not a sensitivity session, so I looked him right in the eye and said, “Not really.”

He backed off, thank God. “Sounds like it works for you.”

“It does.” I finished my wine. “Well, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. Are you ready to go?”

“Anytime you are.”

He paid the check and we left. We talked of inconsequential things, like traffic patterns, on the way. I was priming myself for a goodbye scene. I know, I know, he’d been a perfect gentleman at the symphony, but this was the second date. Time for a big move. My gut feeling about this man was that he was decent, but my experience warned me…Well, in my experience the act at the front door involved some heavy-duty maneuvering, particularly if the man paid for dinner. The quid pro quo seemed to be satisfactory sex, at least on the man’s part, a shower, and possibly breakfast if the man found you worthy. I was tired, over-fed, owly, and emotionally drained from my stint in the confessional. Besides, I’d made it a policy not to part with sexual favors after one dinner. I’ve read that some prostitutes command $300 per session and I’ve never had a meal that cost anywhere near that.

He parked on the street and walked me to my door.

“You’re quiet,” he observed.

“Just tired,” I said, mentally girding myself for the whining and guilt-tripping when I didn’t invite him in. It takes a lot of concentration to shut a guy down without ending up with a broken jaw. I could evade the Roman hands and the tongue thrust down my throat like an undigested oyster, I encouraged myself and checked my mental focus. Yeah, I was ready. I had my keys out, ready to unlock and run. Rob appeared thoughtful during the short walk up the sidewalk.

I unlocked the door and turned to him, all defenses up. “Thank you for dinner, Rob, I enjoyed it.”

He put his hands on my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and said, “So did I.” He leaned forward and kissed my mouth firmly but briefly. Then he stepped back and asked, “Can I call you again next week?”

Wait a minute. He’d done it to me again. Where was the clutching, the oyster, the whining? You get your mind all prepared for something awful and when it doesn’t happen you feel like you’ve stumbled. I was so flummoxed all I could do was nod and mumble, “If you really want to.”

He tipped my chin up, kissed me again, and said, “I want to.” Then he walked to his car.

You know, he could have tried a little harder. Dammit, now that I didn’t have to kiss him, I wanted to. On the spur of the moment, I called out, “I thought you were going to fix my car.”

He stopped and turned back to me. “How about Saturday?” “It’s a date,” I said. By God, he’d get some kissing then.

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Christmas 2022

Here’s the annual letter.

Christmas 2022

Barb: As usual it’s been a year of ups and downs. Last March my cat, George, died. He was 16 ½ so it wasn’t unexpected, but it was a wrench. You get really attached to a pet after 16 years. But what really hurt was the death of Gracie. She was only 6 ½ when she was killed by a coyote. She must have been caught completely by surprise because I’d seen her fight off coyotes before. At least her death was quick but I still miss her. She was special. The only bright spot on the pet situation was the fact that we’d adopted two kittens a month before because we didn’t want Grace to be alone when we went on trips. She hated the kittens until the day she died. We had to protect them from her; they were so small we were afraid she’d kill them. So I guess she wasn’t as sweet as I remember her. When told of Gracie’s death, the neighbor who fed her sort of rolled her eyes when I lamented how sweet Gracie was. She’d had to clean up all the dead critters Gracie brought in to eat at her leisure. Gordon commented that maybe this was Gracie’s karma for all the gophers she’d killed and brought to bed. But I loved her. And I still miss her.

This is not to say I don’t appreciate the kittens—well, most of the time. When we went to the shelter to pick out Gracie’s future friends, I told Gordon I wanted a calico. We’d never had one before, so I picked the only available one and named her Maggie. We got the second kitten because Gordon got snagged by a tiny little black-and-white male who played ‘paw’ with him. Turns out they were littermates and Gordon decided we couldn’t separate the two. Kittens are like potato chips for Gordon; he can’t get just one. The shelter wouldn’t let us take the kittens home that day; I had to make an appointment to pick them up five days later. Gordon had a business meeting, so I picked them up myself. As I filled out the paperwork, the staff member told me they didn’t think the little male would survive. “He won’t eat,” he said. “You can bring him back if he gets worse.” The calico girl was small but the male was so mal-nourished that when Gordon picked him up that he night he said, “My God, it’s like picking up a baby bird.” We named him Bucky. He was nothing but eyes and worms, but he was ours. I think he must have been younger than the 8 weeks the shelter claimed because I don’t think he could chew hard food. We gave him canned food and he ate non-stop. We got both of them to the vet and got all their worms and parasites killed and that’s all they needed. Our de-crittered messes are growing up to be big and healthy and look to have long lives—unless I murder them. Which I threaten to do on a daily basis. They consider rules as suggestions and disregard all of the restrictions about counter crawling. And they’re so fast they can snicker and run when they hear an anguished “Bucky, no!” or “Maggie, dammit!” So, I dug out an old super-soaker squirt gun I bought years ago. Works like a charm. Each of them got a blast in the face and they run when they see me grab it. It’s got tremendous range and shoots a lot of water so even if I miss a cat, I clean the floor. It’s a win-win. I’m the fastest squirt gun in the West.

We finally got to take the Baltic cruise we paid for three years ago. St. Petersburg was off the itinerary, but Viking replaced it with Oslo, Berlin, and Gdansk. I’d never been to those cities before, so I was happy. We still had to follow COVID protocols which included spitting in a test tube every morning before we ate or drank anything. I didn’t realize how tough it was to come up with 5 ml of spit without having any water. It was gross, watching my drool inch down the side. It took forever. Then we’d put our samples in a baggie and put it outside our cabin door where crew members in hazmat suits picked it up. That did not inspire confidence. Everybody who cruised had to be tested twice before even being allowed on board so I didn’t know how anyone could get sick, but they did. A couple from San Diego had their “trip of a lifetime” ruined. Ten days into the cruise I found the husband sitting in the lobby, wearing a mask. He said his wife tested positive for COVID and had been quarantined on the third deck for the rest of the trip. He tested negative but had to wear a mask when out of his cabin. I heard that some crew members tested positive too. The third deck was getting crowded by the end. But I enjoyed this cruise more than our Rhine cruise. Then, we had the smallest cabin available, and Gordon learned from that. I get…shall we say…unpleasant when I’ve had enough fun. Actually, it must be like traveling with a caged badger. This time he got a larger cabin. And I tripped over his feet anyway. Not his fault. He was keeping himself out of the way as I flung myself around the cabin. I caught a little toe on his foot and either bruised it badly or broke it.  The treatment for either injury is the same–Immobilize it. Fortunately, Billy Williams, a high school friend of Gordon’s, and his wife, Dawn, were on the same cruise. He’s a surgeon and she’s a nurse so I had my own medical team but there’s not much you can do for a busted toe. I gimped my way through Berlin because, dammit, I’d paid for it, I wasn’t going to miss it. You wouldn’t think something so small could cause so much misery. There’s lots more to tell about the trip but I’ll leave that to Gordon. I’m in his space already. Or go to my blog; www.barbaraschnell.com. Have a happy and a merry etc. etc.etc.

Gordon: As you can tell by Barb’s musings, it was a relatively quiet year. We broke out of Quarantine to go sailing, and enjoyed that. My highlight of the trip was a visit to Norway’s OIL MUSEUM, where I learned that Norway is so oil-rich because a state minster couldn’t be bothered to come to the phone on a Friday. Seems Phillips Petroleum had a contract to drill 13 holes looking for oil. They’d drilled 12 dry holes and the 13th was also going nowhere, so they petitioned to stop drilling and go home. The minister told them to come back Monday, by which time they’d hit a gusher. So now Norwegians sit on a huge pile of cash thanks to that American knowhow and evil oil. And they still pay roughly 50% of their income in taxes. But the state takes good care of them. We also got to spend about three hours at Tivoli, which is regarded as the inspiration for Disneyland.  It’s tiny by Disney standards, but there were lots of rides and the lines were just about as long as those at Disneyland, so we didn’t do many rides. Given Barb’s toe, it was a good thing it wasn’t any bigger.

Brookings High School Class of 1970 held their 50-plus-a-couple-years reunion, giving us an opportunity to get back to the Auld Sod, and see lots of folks I hadn’t seen in 50+ years. It was a little disappointing that the folks I was closest to were only there at the table with pictures of departed classmates, but I had fun catching up with some of the survivors, and telling tales I probably shouldn’t have. Barb and I got our SDSU Ice cream cones, Zesto Hot Dogs, Nick’s Hamburgers and Greasy Gus Pizza, so we’ve maintained our Epicurean cred.

Aside from that, some clients still call and I still take the jobs I like, but I’m not pushing it. I’m a regular doing tours for the Los Angeles Conservancy, and Barb & I sing with the Lutherans when there’s a big event at the church. The house is now a solar collector, and DWP pays me for electricity, but they get it back in water and sewer fees. And I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my retirement. Nice problem to have.

Hope this letter finds you all well and ready for a new year with no masks, very few sick days, and happiness to be back in the world. Until next year….best wishes, and keep in touch.

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Tchaikovsky and Ellington at Disney Hall

Just a quick blurb to recommend a wonderful concert at Disney Hall. Dudamel and company performed most of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite in the first half of the program. It’s holiday appropriate and the orchestra performed beautifully, as usual. In the second half of the program Duke Ellington’s jazz version of some of the dances was interspersed with the original music. A greasy tenor sax and snare drum set were included. Very tasty. The classical folks can do jazz with the best. The audience was grinning and head bobbing along. Unfortunately, the woman at the end of our row did a Mr. Ed imitation. She stamped her hooves on the wooden floor. The Hall is remarkable live, and her hoof beats reverberated. Annoying. But the music was so good I could ignore her.

The Hall was decorated for Christmas. Very festive. Altogether a great night. I think there are two more performances left. If you want to get your Christmas on, enjoy the Russian/American versions of The Nutcracker at Disney Hall.

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To Kill a Mockingbird, the play

Went to Delphine’s before going to the Pantages last night. They’d taken the hamburger off the bar menu, so Gordon had French onion soup and I had crab cakes instead. The food was good, but I would have preferred the burger. Bartender also said we couldn’t watch Jeopardy because people were watching the basketball game. BS. Nobody was watching the game. But it wasn’t worth fighting over. We finished our drinks and crossed the street for the show. We were almost late. They normally start 10 minutes after eight. Last night they started right on time because the show runs 3 hours, and they have to close by 11. The doors were closed after we got in.

I wasn’t sure what to expect with this play. Loved the book, of course, but Sorkin wrote the adaptation and he’s Far Left. I also heard that although all the critics loved the show, it wasn’t reopening in New York. So, I didn’t have high hopes. I wasn’t disappointed. Sorkin is a good writer, but he changed the emphasis from the viewpoint of a young girl and made her just one of many narrators. The Sorkin adaption is a re-telling of the of the story from an adult’s (his) point of view. And it’s focused on race. It touches on incest, but the main focus is racism. Racism, racism, racism. We’re told how ugly racism is, how pervasive, and how hopeless the struggle against it is. Sorkin subjects us to the ugly way some white people refer to black people. Calpurnia, the family housekeeper (black lady,) is bitter and shames Atticus because he seems to expect gratitude for defending Tom Robinson. Atticus is finally in despair at the end of the show. He doesn’t know his neighbors and he fears they’ll never change. It’s kind of a hopeless piece of theater.

Richard Thomas plays Atticus. I’ve always appreciated his acting and I appreciated this performance. The girl playing Scout had some trouble with the accent. She sounded like a New Yorker half the time. Oh hell, maybe there’s a Brooklyn in Alabama. The actress who played Scout in the movie is playing Mrs. Dubose and she’s quite effective. I liked the staging. The show is well-done and if you like your nose rubbed in the ugliness of a small percentage of the population, you’ll probably like it. For me, it was a meh. I’ll go back to the book where I can disapprove of the ugliness of racism and not be slimed by it. My God, you’d think nothing had changed in the last 80 years.

This is the second show I’ve seen recently where Far Left people have re-imagined classics. They suck the joy and charm out of everything and all that’s left is ugliness. They should leave well enough alone and come up with something original. Of course, no one would pay to see it. They have to suck us in with the classics and then ruin them for us. No wonder the theater is dying.

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2:22: A Ghost Story

We had a glass of wine in the Music Center Plaza before going to see 2:22 at the Amandson. I felt the need for alcoholic fortification after the Oklahoma debacle last month. Well, I didn’t need the wine. 2:22 is clever ghost story. I won’t go into any details because I don’t want to ruin the ending, but the actors were good, the lighting and sound effects were wonderful, and the script didn’t piss me off. It wasn’t “woke”! I didn’t think that was allowed anymore. I’m still annoyed by Oklahoma, the awful “woke” version I endured last month. That new vision sucked all the charm out of an American classic. It portrayed Oklahomans as cruel bloodthirsty louts and liars. The set was cheap, the re-interpretation labored, the singers were pitchy…What a waste of time and money. There were lots of empty seats after intermission. I wish we’d left but Gordon figured we spent the money (too much!) and he wanted to get his money’s worth. Can’t waste a thing. It’s the Midwestern in us. With reference to this production, you can throw shit on a classic but that doesn’t make you an artist–it makes you a vandal. I might have to skip the re-interpretation of 1776 that’s on the schedule. It was written as a salute to the country in a bicentennial year, but I imagine it’ll be “woke”. EVIL United States! It has no right to exist! I hear the theater is in trouble in New York. If this is what is presented, I can see why. I’d rather go to a ball game. Or watch I Love Lucy repeats. And I’m seriously reconsidering my subscription.

Enough ranting. I enjoyed 2:22. Lotsa fun.

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First Year, Chapter One

Life got really complicated so I haven’t posted in a while. Still not feeling cheerful (my cat, Gracie, was killed by a coyote) but I have to put up something. Here are the first pages of my first novel, First Year. I’m think of posting a chapter a month. But who knows. Hope you enjoy it.

Summer 1992

On a tropical August evening in eastern South Dakota, I sat on the front steps of my house, sipping Diet Pepsi and contemplating the cornfield across the road. The sun was a big orange ball hanging over the cornstalks, but the wind was beginning to rise. It had finally cooled off enough so that I could stand being outside; I’d be able to open up the house soon. Until then I’d enjoy the cooing of mourning doves and the soughing of the breeze. Bob would be home for supper shortly, but it was too hot to cook. Good thing I got the phone service hooked up today. I’d be able to order a pizza.

“Yoo hoo, Mrs. Anderson! Yoo hoo!” Mrs. Nelson from next door was standing in her driveway waving frantically. Oh man, I’d hoped I could avoid her if I stayed in the front yard. Normally she spent her time bent over her back garden, her big pink polyester-draped butt a valentine for the neighbors.

“I’ve got some more tomatoes for you, Mrs. Anderson,” she yodeled again. She was wearing a too-tight tank top and the skin on her upper arms was flapping. Geez, I thought, irritated at having my peaceful mood disturbed, if she weren’t so heavy, she’d be airborne by now. She’d even scared off the doves. And I had absolutely no desire to talk to her because Mrs. Nelson was a vicious gossip. I’d found that out the day after Bob and I moved in.

“You know she had men in there all the time,” she’d whispered about Mrs. Swenson, the wife of Dr. Swenson, Bob’s engineering professor and owner of our house. It sounded to me like Mrs. Nelson was trying to make a scandal out of grad students, so I’d futilely tried to change the subject. I finally ran inside the house to escape her.

Today she trudged over, pulling a wagon with a bushel basket half-full of tomatoes. “Hot enough for you?” she began the ritual conversation.

“You bet,” I said with a resigned smile.

“Well, you know, it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,” she chanted.

“You bet,” I returned, right on cue.

We’d completed the opening hymn, so she began her sermon. “I hope you can use some more tomatoes,” she said, leaning into the basket and grabbing three in each large hand. She straightened with a groaned “oof duh”, waited until I bunched my T-shirt into an improvised apron, and dropped them in. “Fritz always puts out a dozen plants and we can’t use everything that grows. Now you take some of these here, slice them up, and put a little sugar on them. You’re such a skinny thing we have to fatten you up,” she chortled and various parts of her shook. I smiled and wondered how she managed to stay so…chubby. If her garden was any indication she worked hard and ate a lot of fiber.

She continued her prattle about recipes, and I understood how she stayed so robust. “Now I like to take a few tomatoes and chop ’em up for my mac and cheese. Have I given you my mac and cheese recipe yet? Well, my Fritz just loves it…”

Her mouth was off and running so I let my mind wander. Marilyn had invited Bob and me out for the weekend at her cabin. I could save the tomatoes for then…

My attention returned to Mrs. Nelson when she moved in uncomfortably close and lowered her voice. “You poor thing. I heard all about that student business. It wasn’t true, was it?” she asked sympathetically but her eyes gleamed avidly. I thought about blasting her with a few well-chosen comments about curiosity, old cats, and why the Eskimos put their old women on ice floes instead of Social Security—and the wisdom of that practice—when the admonitions of my Midwestern mentor, Connie Schwartz, surfaced.

“Stevie,” she’d said, frowning in amused exasperation, “it’s not wise to say the first thing that comes into your head. And it’s not necessary to win every confrontation. Take a minute to decide what the consequences of your words or actions are worth. You’re a smart girl and if you make it to my age without being shot” (Connie was only eleven years older than me but she acted like a generation separated us) “you’ll be a truly admirable woman, but you need to work on your impulse control.”

After reflection I’d decided Connie had a point so now I swallowed my nasty comments and silently counted to ten. Mrs. Nelson was a neighbor; I had to be nice, I guess. She seemed lonely so it wouldn’t kill me to put up with her bad breath and spite for a minute or two. And she did grow great produce.

When I failed to respond with anything other than an inward stare Mrs. Nelson changed tactics. “That Ricky Anderson, he always was a troublemaker. I don’t think he has any business teaching though between you, me, and the fencepost,” here she leaned in again and whispered, “he’s pretty much finished at the University.” She waited eagerly for my reaction.

“I wouldn’t know anything about that,” I said coolly.

“Oh,” she said, disappointed. Then she brightened, “Tell me all about Hollywood. Is it true…?”

From her questions, I was pretty sure she got her information from the tabloids, so I zoned her out again—which seemed to frustrate her. She wanted to gossip, and I was the only neighbor who hadn’t ducked out in time. Mrs. Nelson forcibly recalled my attention by grabbing my arm and hissing, “And Mrs. Olafson, in my church? Well, I heard that her third daughter…”

I didn’t know Mrs. Olafson or her daughter—they weren’t Lutherans—and whatever Mrs. Nelson was saying about them was probably fiction anyway. I told myself that I was paying for my tomatoes by pretending to listen and planned what I’d do with my big, red, juicy treats. Maybe I’d slice one of them up tonight and put Italian dressing on it. Bob hated tomatoes—he wasn’t too wild about Mrs. Nelson either, for that matter—so he’d bitch but I could always peel a sack of carrots for him. Or I could drop some off at Connie’s and report how I’d managed not to over-react to a stupid comment. She’d probably pat me on the head and give me a cookie.

I wonder what would have happened a year ago if I’d had a buddy like Connie to advise me about my impetuous rush into marriage. Leslie, my best friend in L.A., was just as young and stupid as I was so I didn’t pay much attention when she tried to dissuade me. Knowing me, I probably wouldn’t have listened to Connie either—assuming, of course, that she would’ve recommended caution.

Not that I regretted marrying Bob—well, not today anyway. Let’s face it, if I’d been smart and cautious, I would have missed out on a lot of adventures. On the other hand, I’d have missed out on a lot of crap, too. But don’t you need crap in order to mature? I read someplace that life slaps you around until you learn to duck. But I could have learned to duck in Los Angeles; God knows I got slapped around enough there. And if I’d stayed in L.A. maybe I’d’ve become rich and famous. Ahhh, I probably would’ve ended up dead in a ditch. Of course, on the other hand…

Chapter 1

Stephanie O’Neill, you’re up.”

I grimaced and waved my size sheet, Polaroid, and headshot. The casting assistant grabbed my paperwork, glanced over it, nodded briskly, and marched out of the room. I followed slowly. After looking at the storyboard and reading the copy I was offended at the idiocy of the advertising world. Who did they get to write this crap? Had they no shame? I knew I didn’t; I was about to do my best to sell it. As I walked to the video room running inane lines through my head, I remembered all the years I spent studying Chekhov and Ibsen for my Master of Fine Arts degree. The academic life doesn’t prepare you to sell panty liners—not that I have anything against panty liners; I just don’t think they’re necessary. I change my underwear every day. But I had bills to pay and if acting like I needed crotch protection—other than a .357 Magnum—would earn me some money…

I smiled brightly into the camera and chirped, “I love that fresh feeling!”

Man, did I feel stupid. And what’s even worse—I was lousy.

I worried as I drove back to my condo in Hermosa Beach. Was I losing my grip? Had I really been that bad? Nyaahh, it had to be the writing not me, I rationalized. The excuse gave me courage to call my agent, Heather. I reported that the panty liner thing was a stinker, and did she have anything else in the pipeline?

“Stevie, I’m so glad you called. I need a Hispanic woman for an action film that calls for some nudity. Now, before you say ‘No’ right away, just listen. It could lead to something interesting, and I personally feel…” Blah, blah, blah.

Before you get your shorts in a snarl about my last name and this Hispanic business let me explain: My mother was a Morales from Texas, and my father was an Irishman from the Old Sod. I have dark curly hair, brown eyes, even white teeth, and can play anybody in the known universe except an Aryan. Hitler would have gassed me.

“Heather,” I sighed into the phone, “you know how I feel about nudity.”

“I know, darling, you’ve told me before, but you only have a few more years to make the big money. If you haven’t done it by thirty you probably won’t. You’ve got to get your foot in the door.”

“It’s not my foot they want to look at,” I pointed out.

But Heather was ready with an argument. “Listen, you only have to do it once…” More blah, blah, blah.

I’ve heard it all before.

The feminist in me says that all this frontal nudity crap is just that: crap. Do you see Tom Cruise letting his little dangler hang out in front of God and everybody? I don’t think so. Why is it that if you’re female, 25, and reasonably good-looking, the film world thinks disrobing is a plot point? And that’s a purely rhetorical question. Everyone knows the movie industry is directed at prurient teenage boys.

“Heather,” I interrupted with my usual excuse, “you know my chest isn’t all that great. I’m under-qualified for the role. Don’t you have any Playboy bunnies who don’t mind showing their boobs as they’re being blown up?”

Heather paused then said forcefully, “Listen carefully, Stevie, you’re running out of time.”

I’d heard that before, too. “Heather, it’s creepy and embarrassing,” I said.

“Well, if you’re so sensitive I don’t know if there’s any future for you in this business,” Heather said threateningly. This was not surprising, Heather always closed with a threat. “Should I submit you for the film, or not?” she finished.

For once in my life, I took a deep breath before I said anything stupid. I’m a nobody. An educated nobody but a nobody, nonetheless. I needed an agent and Heather was the only one who’d shown any interest in me.

“Listen, Heather, I don’t think it’s good for me, but I’ll give it serious consideration and get back to you,” I equivocated, then hung up and scratched the ears of my cat, Pudgy. It appeared she and I were in for another quiet evening at home. I love my cat but every now and then you need to talk to a person. So, I called my friend, Leslie, who has the place across the hall.

“Les, it’s me,” I said when she answered. “I think I hate my life…”

“Again?” she interrupted. “Well, come on over and we’ll talk about it.”

Leslie Williams is maybe the only real friend I have in the world. We’re both new to Hermosa Beach; she bought her place six months ago, right after I bought mine. She’s about my age, single, and also searching for her niche in life. We both like to talk, and we both have nicknames that are considered sexually ambiguous. There our similarities end. She’s tall, willowy, and blond; a WASP from Philadelphia. I’m, well, not short, but shorter, compact, and a runaway from patriarchal Catholicism. She has an MBA in Finance from Wharton and is now working for the local PBS station as a lark. I have an MFA in theater arts from Cal State Northridge and I work for money. Les’ parents are making the payments on her place and probably consider her California adventure an amusing bohemian interlude before she takes her rightful place as chatelaine in a mansion with a career in charity work and motherhood. I’m an orphan, make all payments on my own, and consider my Hermosa Beach condo the nicest place I’ve ever lived in—as well as a good investment, of course. Les is personable, witty, and says she likes to hang with me because I’m brave, but she mistakes bravado for bravery; I just have a lot more practice tap-dancing on land mines than most people. But I’m glad she likes me. I trust her to feed Pudgy and pick up my mail when I can’t. And there’re not many people you can say that about.

“Most women would love your life. I came to Los Angeles to live your life,” she declared after I’d unburdened my frustrations on her living room couch.

“I thought I’d love it, too,” I grumped. “I’m beginning to think I should have gone to law school.”

“You’re just down because you had a bad audition,” Les consoled. “We have to get you out of the house. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. You’re the one who’s depressed. What do you want to do?”

We sounded like the two guys in Marty. I had no ideas; I just sat slumped on the couch. Les had little patience for such blatant self-pity. “We can always go to the grocery store,” she suggested. “Maybe we’ll meet someone cute. I need bananas anyway.”

“I’ve had enough discussions with guys about produce,” I returned impatiently. “I want to do something new, meet someone different…I want…Oh, geez, I don’t know what I want.”

“I’ve been telling you for months you need to get out more. You know, experiment? Even if it’s short term, it wouldn’t hurt you one bit to have a man in your life. Honestly, you’re going to grow shut.”

She had a point. I’d been celibate about a year now, which unsurprisingly enough, coincided with the anniversary of the death of my last romance. Les found my celibacy ridiculously cautious and I thought Les’ sexual philosophy foolhardy. The fact that intercourse and AIDS were connected had apparently not penetrated her psyche. She seemed to think a trust fund would protect her from anything. I put more faith in a good condom. My last sexual partner, a fellow actor—who else did I meet, fercrysake? —claimed that I didn’t trust him when I insisted on using protection and complained, “Stevie, I can’t feel anything!” He was right about me not trusting him; I’d never found much reason to. And if he didn’t feel anything, well, that was only fair; neither did I. He was more in love with his mirror than with me. I didn’t miss him one bit when he left, and I swore I’d never date another actor. And I haven’t. Of course, I’ve haven’t dated anybody else either.

This is not to say I’m a lesbian; I’d probably be better off if I was.

But Leslie had a point about rejoining the human race. I was tired of spend­ing most of my free time watching TV with my cat. If I didn’t connect with a human soon, I’d have to invest in something battery-operated.

“Well, maybe you’re right,” I reluctantly agreed.

“Great!” Les exclaimed. “Let’s go for a drink.”

“Okay, but no sports bars!” I warned.

I had a good reason for my objection. Early in our friendship Les confessed that she was having a terrible time meeting guys. “I always see them in cars,” she complained. “They have to get out of them sometime, don’t they?” She gave the problem some thought and came up with a strategy. “When you’re hunting big game, you hang out by the watering hole,” she decided. “So, let’s go find a bar. The guys have to get out of their cars to get in the bar, even if it’s only to pee. Smart, huh?”

“Les, I am not going to stalk men and trip them as they go to the bathroom,” I stated firmly.

“Stevie, sometimes you’re so literal,” she returned witheringly and waved the local free paper in my face. “I found an ad for a bar in West Hollywood. Look at the picture! This could be the place for us.”

I stifled a grin. West Hollywood is known as Boys’ Town–but one that has nothing to do with Father Flanagan. Les was crestfallen when I told her it was probably a gay bar.

“Darn, and the guys in the picture looked cute, too,” she said wistfully.

“They’re probably gorgeous,” I agreed. “It’s one of life’s little tragedies that they’re not even remotely interested in us. As a matter of fact, you should consider them competition.” I snickered at her look of dismay, and added, “Welcome to Los Angeles.”

Les finally decided to try her luck at a local sports bar. “It’s Monday night and there’ll be a football game on the tube. I bet the place will be packed.”

“But I don’t know anything about football,” I protested.

“We’re not going for the game,” she returned shortly.

Well, she was right about the place being packed with guys. Les and I were among a handful of double X’s (chromosomally speaking) brave enough to force our way in. And it was loud. Huge bellowing Y people stood shoulder-to-shoulder staring at TV screens scattered around the bar. And since Les and I were smaller and lighter than the men we got shoved around and stepped on. We finally squirmed through the crowd and wedged ourselves onto vacant stools. We screamed our beer orders at the bartender and then gave up on conversation; there was no way we would have been able to hear each other. Having nothing better to do, I decided to watch the game on the TV closest to me.

Now, the only sport I ever played was field hockey, which I was forced to take in high school to meet the PE requirement—and I never bothered to learn those rules either. The point of field hockey seemed to be running around for an hour with a stick in your hand and, if you perspired and panted enough to suit the instructor, you got to go home with your teeth. It soured me on team sports generally.

But here I was at a sports bar watching football. Well, how tough could it be to figure out? None of these people seemed to be mental giants and if they could understand it, I could too. I watched intently. One little guy in a blue and white uniform ran backwards as the others scurried around. The guy on the barstool next to me started yelling encouragement. On TV one big guy in an orange and white uniform jumped on the first little guy and flattened him. My neighbor groaned and drained his beer. Apparently, something bad had happened to the little blue man. Then another little blue man kicked the ball and all the people on the field jumped on it. A man in a striped shirt indicated that the orange side got to play with it and the action started again. Both sides got in circles, broke up, did something with the ball and they all fell down. At this point the man next to me was frothing at the mouth in excitement. Finally, one orange man managed to run quite a distance before being mashed. My neighbor jumped up, gasped something about ‘Down’, and knocked my beer on my lap. He didn’t apologize, probably because he couldn’t hear me swearing at him—or maybe because he could. Les hauled me out of the bar before I could get in real trouble. It’s a problem having the personality of a T Rex in the body of a bunny.

I never did learn the rules to football.

Les always giggles when I bring up this story. “Okay, no more sports bars,” she agreed. “Hey, I know! I read about a jazz place in Hollywood. We’ve never done that before.”

“Do you like jazz?” I asked dubiously.

“No, but it sounds cool, doesn’t it?” she said ingenuously.

Well, it did sound cool. I knew very little about jazz myself, but it seemed like such a sophisticated sort of thing to do I was willing to go along. I’ll try anything within reason once.

So, we went to the Vine Street Bar & Grill, clear over in Hollywood. The club was crowded so Les and I sat at the bar, sipped wine, and listened to a quartet. To save calories I decided I’d have a glass of wine, a glass of water, a glass of wine, etc., until my bladder blew up. I was still working on my first glass of wine when the band took a break, but it seemed like a good time to get a head start on any leaks. I left for the bathroom and stood in line, waiting impatiently and kvetching with the other women on the shortage of stalls as we did our snake dance down the hall. I’d reached the point where I was blocking traffic when a tall, blond man came out of the men’s room. I was turned away, loudly commenting that the management needed to hire a woman to design toilets, when I felt a light touch on my shoulder and heard a soft, deep voice say, “Excuse me?”

I turned, looked up, and got jolted by a pair of clear, blue-gray eyes surrounded by the kind of white you normally only see on bathtubs. I was a tad stunned so I just gawped at him and said, “What?”

The skin around the blue-gray eyes crinkled and the full, wide mouth below them smiled. He gestured, “I’d like to get through.”

“Oh sure, I’m sorry, go right ahead,” I babbled and stumbled out of the way. At least I didn’t wet my pants.

When I returned to my bar stool, I related the whole sorry encounter to Leslie. “I feel so stupid. The one time I run into an attractive man I’m standing in the pee line,” I said in a minor orgy of self-disgust. “The best thing that can be said is that I wasn’t clutching myself.”

Leslie waved her hand. “Relax. You’ll probably never see him again anyway.”

Somehow that didn’t make me feel better.

The quartet started again, and I sipped my wine moodily. What the hell, I was out to hear music and be cool. I wasn’t out to impress anybody. The goal had been to get out of the house and be entertained; I would meet that goal. I lifted my chin, determined to enjoy myself.

Of course, the fact that you’re not cruising for men doesn’t mean that some drunken, obnoxious piece of sub-human filth won’t take a fancy to you, proceed to ruin your evening, and make a spectacle of himself. Not necessarily in that order.

The two stools next to me had been vacated by a couple and replaced, both stools, by a balding, overweight, very drunk man.

“Buy you a drink, honey?” he belched beerily in my direction.

I smiled coolly, said I was through drinking for the evening, thank you very much, and turned to Les to simulate a conversation. He wouldn’t take the hint, though. He grabbed my arm to turn me back to him.

“Hey, good-lookin’, I’m offerin’ to buy you a drink,” he slurred.

“And I already said thanks but no thanks,” I replied as I tried to extricate my arm.

“What’s the matter? Ain’t I good enough for you?”

As a matter of fact, he wasn’t but I’d done my best to be civil. I could feel his fat, sweaty palm through the sleeve of my dress and I’d had enough. Personally, I think that a woman should be able to sit in a bar, have a drink, and listen to some music without being physically and verbally assaulted by the brain-dead of the world. Well, I’d been taking care of myself for a long time and a fight didn’t scare me. My Irish and Latin were both up and I was taking a deep breath to begin an attack when I felt a hand on my shoulder (different hand, same shoulder) and a vaguely familiar deep voice saying, “I thought I recognized you. I was going to call and tell you I was in town. Imagine seeing you here. You’ve got to come over to the table so we can catch up. Excuse me, friend” (to the drunk) “this is the sister of my college roommate.” It was the tall blond man with the blue-gray eyes. I grabbed Leslie’s arm and he directed his attention to her. “Well, I haven’t seen you in years either…” He continued his patter as he freed my arm from the slug’s grip and led Leslie and me to his table. He seated us, returned to the bar, got our drinks, and returned, all without losing his smile or getting into a fight. Very smooth.

As he left to retrieve our wine Leslie asked, “Is he the guy by the bathroom?” I nodded. “I can see why you got so weird. He’s cute,” she murmured.

“Shut up,” I hissed and composed myself as he returned. He placed the glasses on the table and sat down. “Thanks for bailing us out,” I said sincerely.

“Oh well,” he shrugged, “I hate to see women hassled.”

“Were you watching us?” Leslie asked him, with an amused glance at me.

He looked startled for a moment then even in relative dark of the club I could see him blush. “Well, you, I…” he stammered.

“He was helping out two women, that’s all. Right?” I said to spare him and stuck out my hand. “My name’s Stephanie but my friends call me Stevie. And this is Leslie. We both thank you very much. Don’t we, Les.” I kicked her lightly under the table to encourage her agreement, ignored her look of outrage, and turned my attention back to him. “Can I buy you a drink? You know, thanks and all that?”

“Oh no, that’s not necessary,” he replied, recovering. “More than happy to help out.”

The music started again, and we all settled back to listen. I caught Les sneaking peeks at him and I caught him sneaking glances at me. There was a lot of sneaking and peeking going on. I again offered to buy him a drink, which he again gallantly declined, but he bought me one (Leslie refused his offer since she was driving). There wasn’t much conversation because of the music.

During the next break Leslie excused herself to the Powder Room—the first time I’d ever heard her use that euphemism. Since she hadn’t had much to drink it was pretty obvious it was an excuse to let me flirt.

The two of us sat silently. I waited for this guy to say something. I figured if he was brave enough to stop a drunk from bothering us and smooth enough to do it without a fight, conversation wouldn’t be a problem. But he concentrated on his cuticles.

The wait went on with me sitting there expecting the come-on equivalent of the Gettysburg Address and him picking his fingers. Uncomfortable, I finally took the initiative. I cleared my throat and said, “You haven’t told me your name.”

His head popped up and I got another good look at those eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s…Rob Anderson,” he said. I wondered at the small hesitation.

“Pleased to meet you, Rob Anderson. Remember me? Stephanie O’Neill? Also known as Stevie?”

I expected him to say suavely, “I hope you’ll let me call you Stevie. I’d like to be your friend”, or some variation thereof. He said, “I’m pleased to meet you, Miss O’Neill.”

Miss O’Neill? The last person to call me that was the receptionist at my gynecologist’s office, and she was from the Philippines. I got the feeling he wasn’t from around here.

“Are you visiting Los Angeles?” I asked to jumpstart the conversation.

“Oh no, I live here.”

The end. No further information was forthcoming.

I was baffled. Was it worth the time and effort it would take to see if there was a personality hidden in that attractive hulk? He glanced up at me quickly and looked back at his fingers. I got a shot of those eyes again: intelligent eyes, rather shy. Shy? Of me? How flattering. Maybe this guy had potential if I could pry some words out of him. I redoubled my attempts to make him talk. “And what do you do…uh…what should I call you? Mr. Anderson, was it?”

“Just call me Rob.”

“If you call me Stevie,” I replied with a Groucho grin.

“Okay.”

He smiled into my eyes again. Even the cartilage in my nose melted as I smiled bemusedly back. I enjoyed the moment before I remembered my responsibilities as icebreaker.

“And you do…what?” I continued.

“I’m an engineer.”

“What sort of engineer?”

“Civil.” Thud.

This was getting ridiculous. I felt like I was talking to a computer. Wait of minute, maybe he was hiding something. A woman living alone like me has to be careful who she takes up with, so I backed off and said quickly, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry.”

“No! That’s okay! Go ahead and pry!” he said, sounding slightly panicked.

I eyed him. I was having a little trouble reading this situation. I’m not patient by nature and I was afraid I’d seen the best this guy had to offer. Then it hit me that I was the one who should have gone to the Powder Room. Maybe he was miffed because he was attracted to Les and got stuck with me. A wave of disappointment washed over me closely followed by pique.

Les came back, seated herself jauntily, and beamed at us. “So, where were we?” she sang.

“We were just leaving,” I said as I grabbed my purse and stood up.

She looked at me blankly but obligingly got up again. I threw a couple dollars on the table explaining to Mr. Anderson that they were for the tip. I was being petulant and unreasonable. but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Leslie was making excuses when I got control. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t interested in me, but he’d saved my butt and he deserved better than being pouted at. And maybe Les would have liked him. I was mean-spirited, childish…and ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Rob Anderson, “I’m acting badly, and I apologize.” I turned to Les. “Do you want to stay?” I asked her with as much charity as I could muster.

Les looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “No, I’m ready to go if you are.”

Mr. Anderson sat there looking confused. Then he stood up. “I guess I haven’t been very entertaining,” he said to me, and I smiled wryly, “but I was trying to figure out how to get your phone number…without being too pushy,” he finished in a blurt.

“You want my phone number?” I asked.

“I thought that, well, since you seem to like music, maybe, well, maybe we could go to the symphony or something. But I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything. I mean, I know you don’t know me or anything but I’m not dangerous or anything and, you know, if you wouldn’t mind or aren’t busy or anything…” His speech dried up under my gaze.

I hesitated for a moment, looked at Les who raised her eyebrows and shrugged, and turned back to him. His face had a slight sheen of sweat. He seemed harmless enough.

“Sure, why not.” I quickly wrote my name and phone number on a cocktail napkin and handed it to him. He put it carefully in his wallet and removed a business card.

“Here,” he handed it to me, “just so you don’t forget who I am.”

I put the card in my purse without looking at it. “Thanks.” Now they were both looking at me expectantly, but I didn’t know what to do. Sitting down again would be ridiculous. A quick exit seemed like the only option. “Well, be seeing you. Ready, Les?” We walked out, leaving him standing, and drove home in Les’ Volvo.

“That, without a doubt, was the strangest attempted pick-up I have ever seen,” Les commented en route. “What’s the business card say?”

I dug it out of my purse, turned on the interior light, and read: “‘Robert Anderson, Department of Water and Power, City of Los Angeles.’” I frowned. “Department of Water and Power? He told me he was an engineer!”

“The city needs engineers to map out sewer lines and that sort of thing. He’s probably legit,” said Leslie.

“Anything’s possible,” I said doubtfully.

Leslie smiled. “What are you going to do if he calls?”

“I’m not going to worry about it.” I mused over the card then put it away, out of sight and out of mind. I forgot all about the guy and the card.

A week later I got home from the library to find a message on my box: “Stevie O’Neill? This is Rob Anderson. We met at the Vine Street Bar and Grill? I was wondering, well, I mentioned the symphony and I have two tickets and I was wondering…well, I know it’s late to ask someone out for Saturday night but if you’d like to go…” He sounded like he was strangling then managed to leave a phone number.

Of course! The guy with the great eyes and no verbal skills. I called Leslie. “Remember that guy at the bar last week? The one who saved us from the drunk? Well, he just left a message asking me to the symphony,” I announced.

“I didn’t know you liked classical music,” Les said, surprised.

“Maybe I do. I’ve never really listened to any,” I said.

“Oh,” Leslie said, nonplussed, then asked, “So? You going to go?”

“I don’t know,” I said uncertainly. “He seemed nice but for all I know he could be Ted Bundy’s evil twin. Besides, he doesn’t know how to talk. It could be an absolutely horrible evening.”

“Meet him downtown,” Leslie advised impatiently. “That way he won’t even have your address. And you won’t have to worry about talking. You’re not supposed to talk through the music.”

“Yeah,” I said unconvinced.

“And the best argument of all is,” here Leslie paused impressively, “what else do you have to do? Your cat can survive one Saturday night without you. Honestly, you make such a big deal out of everything. A good-looking guy just asked you to a concert; you don’t have to marry him!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go,” I said. “What should I wear?”

After we thrashed out the wardrobe question, I called Rob Anderson and told him I’d love to go to the symphony with him. He sounded vaguely pleased even when I told him I preferred to meet him there. I hung up before he got too tangled up in his tongue and I started regretting my decision.

I had a date for Saturday night just like a normal person! I hoped Pudgy wouldn’t feel abandoned. I’d leave the TV on so she wouldn’t miss the 60’s sitcoms she liked so much.

Available on Amazon:

 http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JYIV9D6

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Alborg, Oslo, Stavanger, Eidfjord, Bergen

Alborg, Denmark was a smallish college town. We toured historic buildings including a monastery built in 1506. The story was: a monk and a nun had an affair, and the nun had a baby. So, they walled up the nun and her baby, alive, around a support pillar. The guide explained that that was why the pillar was so much thicker. Nothing happened to the monk. They probably couldn’t figure out which one was the father. All the women in the tour were outraged, of course (as I suspected were the men), but it’s done. Thank God we’ve come a long way, baby. During the walk we kept running into costumed students celebrating the end of exams or something. They shared their beer with some of our members. It reminded me of Hobo Day at South Dakota State University. The kids were having a ball as they staggered down the street. They kept it up for hours and the parade just got bigger. It was fun. But it was time to go back to the ship. We were on our way to Oslo.

Student and tourist having a moment

Remember me mentioning Pat and Linda? The couple we met on the first tour? When we got back to the ship Pat was sitting in the atrium with a mask on. He explained that Linda’s spit had tested positive for COVID that morning. He tested negative so he was allowed the run of the ship, but he had to wear a mask. Pat said Linda felt fine except for being forced to spend a portion of a very expensive trip in quarantine on the third deck. We learned later that some crew as well as tourists tested positive for COVID. I don’t know how it spread. We all supposedly tested negative before we were allowed on the ship. It explained the daily spit tests and the crew in hazmat suits. But I felt bad for Pat and Linda. Put a damper on their trip.

We didn’t take the downtown tour of Oslo. Wish we had but there wasn’t time. We toured a lovely park with spectacular artwork. Sort of an outdoor museum. Then we were taken to the training facility for the ski-jumping team. Those kids must have a death wish. The guide told us the kids started jumping at age 9. There was also a training ground for cross-country skiing. No wonder the Norwegians clean up in the Winter Olympic games. They earn it. We saw the summer house and church where the royal family spend their down time. I wish we’d gotten inside the parliament, but I’ll make a point of visiting those sites if we ever manage to get back. Oslo is a lovely city.

Art on the bridge in city park
Ski jump facility. You gotta be nuts.

We chose to visit the Fram museum the next day. The Fram was an Antarctic expeditionary ship that is housed in its own building. The Norwegians were famous explorers and I enjoyed learning the history of the ship. They treated us to champagne then we went to another building that housed Viking boats. I learned a lot about exploration; it was fascinating. We were disappointed when we couldn’t get into the Kon-Tiki building. We peeked through the windows but couldn’t see anything. We asked why we couldn’t get in and were told that it was a holiday (boy, they have a lot of holidays) and even getting to see the Fram was a big deal. Kon-Tiki is something else to see if I ever get back.

We went to Stavanger the next day. We took a RIB (rigid inflatable boat() tour of the fjords. We knew it would be like white-water rafting so Gordon and I tried to get the front seats to get the most bounce for our buck. Another couple beat us to it so we sat behind them. Turned out to be good for us. It was cold and started raining. We huddled down behind the couple in front of us to cut the wind and rain. The woman turned at one point and said, “The wind is blowing the rain down the front of my thermal suit. Even my socks are cold and wet.” It was a long trip for her. I enjoyed bouncing around and the close-up view of the fjords was spectacular. I’d do it again if given the chance.

Waterfall in the fjord next to a tour boat.

We went to Eidfjord the next day. They drove us on a bus for an hour and a half to a small cruise ship. We were supposed to have a lovely cruise down the river so we could enjoy the waterfalls in the fjords but it rained again. We spent the entire cruise huddled inside. Then we had that LONG bus ride back to the ship. It was a wasted day for me. I learned that Norway is still having trouble with their roads. There’s little flat land and getting roads next to the fjords is difficult. Those fjords are gorgeous but all you can do is look at them. Farming and industry are hard businesses. We were told that Norway was a very poor country until an American oil company drilled. The company was allowed to take the oil for ten years then everything reverted to Norway. So now Norway has money. Thank you, American industry. I thought the snide comments about American business were thoughtless. The Norwegians would still be trying to make a living on a fishing economy and still be poor without oil. And the Americans lived up tp their agreement. You wouldn’t see the Russians doing that.

We spent our last day in Bergen. It rained again. The guide said it rains 280 days a year. Depressing. Then he asked if anyone in our group had Norwegian heritage and I pointed to Gordon. Gordon explained that his family came from a farm outside of Bergen and the guide said, “I thought you looked Viking!” All of the tourists stared at Gordon which embarrassed him, but he really does look like pictures of the Vikings; aggressive nose, high cheekbones, broad forehead. He should be wearing a wolf-pelt and swinging an ax. Anway, we saw the theater dedicated to Ibsen and statues of Grieg. I was surprised that the arts were celebrated more in Bergen than Oslo. The guide explained that Bergen had been the capitol until some king decided to move to Oslo. Maybe it doesn’t rain so much there. But it’s a charming city. I wish we could have spent more time there. One interesting note: the Norwegians are solidly on the side of Ukraine in the war. We saw graffiti of a dove pooping on Putin’s head.

Putin getting pooped on
Ibsen outside the theater. Rather odd statue.
Grieg. He was a little fella.

We had one more night of dining and entertainment then we had to pack for the trip home. Our luggage had to be outside our room by ten o’clock and we had to be in the atrium of the ship by three a.m. in order to catch our plane to Copenhagen where we changed flights. We landed in Copenhagen at 7 and were dreading the day ahead. We had a 5 and a half hour lay-over before catching a flight to Washington DC where we had another 5 hour lay-over. On our way to check into the next flight I noticed on the departures board that there was a non-stop flight to Los Angeles in two hours. I looked at Gordon and said, “Why the hell aren’t we on that flight?” So, we buzzed over to the SAS counter to see if we couldn’t change flights. We were even willing to pay if we had to. Well, SAS didn’t give us a hard time. They changed our flight and made sure our luggage traveled with us. The flight home was as uneventful as the flight over had been hard. We saved nine hours of travel time and were home in time to feed Gracie ourselves. She was glad to see us.

Scandanavia was a pleasure. Everybody there speaks English. I was told that English is required in all the schools. Most of the people I talked to didn’t even have an accent. They sounded American. Even the Ghanaian barista I met sounded American. One of the guides made a joke about American Imperialism with reference to culture. And he was right. Our marketing expertise is a powerful thing. But it makes traveling easy for someone like me who only speaks one language.

I recommend you save your pennies and travel with Viking. The hotel travels with you instead of you having to shlep luggage all over. I enjoyed the food and entertainment. I got to dip my toe in various cultures. And I know where I want to spend more time if I go back. Good time.

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Gdansk, Berlin, Copenhagen

There was a monument next to where our ship docked in Gdansk the next morning. Gordon and I had time before our afternoon tour, so we wandered over to look at it. It was a monument to those who lost their lives in World War II. And there was a bombed-out building down the road from it. We learned that this is where the Nazis first attacked Poland (the Germans called the city Danzig, not Gdansk). We were on the spot where World War II officially started. We watched a group of young people practice marching around for some program or other–we never found out what. And we never found out if they were young soldiers, high school kids, or what. We just saw that they were young and in uniform. They marched solemnly to music on a portable record-player (hadn’t seen one of those in years) to the monument and back to a bunch of chairs. Maybe they were preparing for Poland’s version of Memorial Day. We eventually got bored and went back to the ship for milk and a cookie. Then we took our tour of Old Town Gdansk. Gdansk was leveled during the war, but it was re-built in the 50s to look like it had in the late 1700s. There were fountains in the cobblestoned streets only two blocks from the river. The church was dedicated to Saint Barbara so I approved of that, of course. Amber jewelry is a big seller there. I found some beautiful pieces but I’d already gotten an amber bracelet earlier at a sale on the ship. Maybe I’ll get more some other time. Anyway, I thought the street was charming. And the residents got the feel of an historic city but with new plumbing. The best of both worlds! We were shown the dock where the Solidarity Movement started. Who knew Gdansk was the beginning of so much–World War II, Solidarity…The people were worried about the war in Ukraine. Poland is right next door and they’ve lived under the Russians before. No one I talked to was eager to do it again. Our guide was very proud that Poland had taken in over 4 million refugees. I hope the best for all of them and thank God I don’t live in that part of the world.

We had a short stop the next day at a tiny island called Bornholm, or Ronne, still in Denmark. There wasn’t much to see except for an old castle where apparently terrible things happened. None of the stores were open so there wasn’t much to do. Even the bathroom down by the dock was closed. And when you’ve got a bunch of ageing tourists with iffy bladders, that can be a problem. The guide pointed out the Russian embassy which was fenced off. Lots of Ukrainian flags were flying opposite so I suspect the Russians stayed to themselves. They’re not real popular in that part of the world.

Our trip to Berlin started the next morning at 7:30. We had a 2-hour train trip before catching a bus to downtown Berlin. I was glad we got to ride so much. I’d tripped over Gordon’s feet (not his fault, it was a small cabin, and I wasn’t watching where I was going) and messed up my little toe. I thought I’d just bruised it badly but it’s still painful weeks later so it’s possible I broke it. Fortunately, our traveling buddies handled it. Bill is a surgeon and Dawn is a nurse, so they acted as my medical team. Bill stabilized the toe, but walking was painful. And when we left the bus there was a lot of walking. We went to the Brandenburg Gate and learned about the history of Berlin. We saw the Reichstag, some concert halls, churches, other official buildings, and Checkpoint Charlie. We had sausages, sauerkraut, pretzels, and beer at a local restaurant. The one-man band played German folk tunes. Gordon knew the lyrics to some of the songs, but I chimed in with the “Ja, Ja, Ja, Ja” chorus and waved my stein around. That was my kind of place. I had enough euros for the toilet frau, who happened to be a Herr in this case, and we left for a short cruise down the Spree. There were a lot of pro-Ukraine signs and flags in Berlin, too. Nobody who’s lived under the Russians wants them back. But it was a lovely day except for the broken toe (how can something that small cause so much trouble?). The one thing that sticks in my head was how clean Berlin is. It’s the Disneyland of European cities. I was literally shocked when I saw a small piece of graffiti on the way back to the ship. I’ll have to go back to Berlin and check it out more carefully.

We had another long day of walking in Copenhagen the next day. I was swearing at my toe. Why couldn’t I have messed it up when we had short tours? But I gimped around. This was my chance to see Copenhagen and no toe was going to stop me. We saw the Little Mermaid statue. The guide said she kept getting vandalized and I can see why; she’s easy to get to. The statue is on a rock that’s only about 8 feet from shore. On the way to the Citadel we passed another statue of a local goddess who legend says carved out Denmark by turning her four sons into bulls and plowing as much land as they could in one day. We toured an Episcopal church, the first I’d seen in Europe outside the UK. We walked past the official residences of the royal family that surround a public square. After lunch we toured the official palace. It’s impressive. I’m glad it wasn’t flattened in the war. All the guides in the cities we visited really stressed the war. It’s like history started then. I guess what’s happened in the various countries stemmed from that time. Anyway, the guide stated that the Danes loved their royal family and believe that the royals earn their money. Really nice palace. I recommend visiting it. They put us on the bus and took us to Tivoli Gardens where they say Walt Disney got the idea for Disneyland. It had rides, attractions, and lovely gardens all on a two-block area. We thought about taking some of the rides but it was a holiday in Copenhagen and the lines were long–just like Disneyland! We enjoyed the gardens and had a cup of coffee so we could rest our feet (and my blasted toe). Nice amusement park.

We went back to the ship for another fabulous dinner and evening of entertainment. I was glad we didn’t have a big day of walking planned for the next day. My toe needed a break.

Me and the World War II monument in Gdansk. This is the site of the start of WWII.
Gordon in Gdansk
Bornholm castle–or what’s left of it
We’re at the Brandenburg Gate
Modern art fountain in front of museum. I thought it looked like a bathtub. But I had to check.
Holocaust art
Me and the Little Mermain
Gordon and the goddess who turned her sons into bulls
Entry to the Copenhagen Palace